I don't even know how can you be okay by not keeping any contacts. I was going crazy when you had been distant before. But now you say that you want me but why are you not fighting for me? Instead, you just keep on finding every chance to blame everything on me. How could you possibly do that?  I guess the idea of true love and loyalty is a myth. Even though sometimes I feel like giving you a chance again, I'm scared that you will not value me. You will never be able to treat me how I wanted to be treated. Even though we have ended things, how can you possibly hurt me again? Why do you keep doing that? Even though I have told you openly how hurt I'm and told you that an open conversation would help, why are you not putting an effort into that? 

 To be honest, I don't really know how to feel about you anymore. My feelings for you haven't changed throughout these years, they have only become stronger. Even if you treat me like shit, I always find a reason to justify that and always find a way back to you. But you on the other side, use this opportunity to gaslight me into thinking I'm the problem. Why do I always end up in the same place? I know what you doing is toxic. But why can't my heart understand what my brain thinks? Why do I have to suffer like this? Why do you always make me feel like I'm not deserving of the love I want. Please put me out of this misery. When have I become so obsessed with you? So into you? I think I was always like this from the beginning. I was literally crying when you hang up on me today. I didn't ask you to call me but you did. Told me about the near-death experience you had. I was worried as usual. But moreover, I was sad that you didn't even put your energy to talk to me about our issues, didn't even try to win me over. Instead, you blamed me for not looking into your face during the call and hung up on me. How can I ever look into your eyes when you told me that you are trying to keep no contact with me. I can understand your logical side of thought, but my mind was wondering, is that so easy for you ? to cut me off like that? After all that we have been through? Guess none of that mattered to you as it did to me.